Hi all, we had an s/r to go from 3 to 2 two years ago. When I was considering/deciding, I spent a lot of time on this board and searched desperately for stories of the aftermath. How much does it continue to haunt you? Do you ever regret it? Etc. So I told myself that I would post my story years later to let those of you going though similar emotional turmoil how my story turned out.
We had a pg with fraternal triplets that were reduced to twins in December 07, when the pg was 12 weeks along, with Dr. Stone in NY. We were lucky enough to go on and have healthy boy/girl twins in Jun 08.
It was the most gut-wrenching decision of my life, further complicated by the fact that the babies were being carried by a gestational surrogate. One side of our family was against the reduction- the other side was ambivalent. My husband and I agonized over this, as I know a lot of you are doing. After yearning for children for so long, it just seemed incomprehensible to end one of their lives, let alone live with the fear of complications to the entire pregnancy, etc. It was an AWFUL time in our life.
Anyway- the aftermath. I do think of that triplet often. I won't lie. I think of him/her with a great deal of sadness and with a heavy heart. I wonder what the baby would have been like, who they would have looked like, how they would get along with my kids, how we as a family would have coped with triplets, etc. All in all, I will say that the sadness over the child we had to give up does stay with me, and likely always will. I also feel guilt. I think about our decision to stop this child's life. It was so arbitrary- it could easily have been my son or my daughter chosen. And again the questions- what would this child have been like? Would they be as cute, as funny, as silly, as my kids?
BUT, it does not taint my love for my twins. It does not make me feel "incomplete". It does not make me think that my twins are missing out on their sibling. The s/r feels separate and distinct from my twins life. A troubling decision and turning point in my past, but not something I associate with my children in any real emotional way. And generally I am still convinced that we made the right decision. HOM are just so very risky, and we'll never know whether we would have made it through or not. But the risk, in retrospect, for us was just too huge a price to pay. And knowing my kids now, when I think back to even the thought that I might have lost them, or put them at health risk by not reducing, it guts me. In other words, THEY are my children and my loyalty is with them, and I would never, ever do anything to risk their health or their lives. It is easy to see in retrospect. It is a LOT clearer to me now.
Also, it also feels meant to be that my DH and I had twins and not triplets. It feels right. There is sadness, yes, but it's not that different from the sadness I feel for a son I lost due to a CVS procedure a few years prior. I wonder about him and feel aching sadness for him as well, but I know in my heart that the kids that I have were the ones I was meant to have- not the baby we lost a few years prior, or the one that we reduced 2 years ago.
So in retrospect, I regret to say that I do have some lingering sadness and guilt, but overall it feels like the right thing and I don't regret it.
I don't know if that helps any of you or not. But I feel that it is something I would have liked to read when I was in your shoes so I thought I'd post it.
Best of luck with your decisions and getting through the procedures.