(warning: pg loss, op's kids mentioned briefly)
Hi all,
I've been TTC #1 for five years now, and am in the realm of double-digit IVF attempts. The closest I've come to success consists of two ectopic pgs, which resulted in the removal of both my fallopian tubes. The main issue seems to be poor egg quality, though like many of you in the same boat, darned if I know why. Of course, at this point, time is also against me as I just turned 39. I have insurance coverage for one, maybe two, more attempts with my own eggs, and then the reality of DE is staring me in the face as the next step.
I've been thinking about DE for over a year, and am having a difficult time wrapping my head around it (sound familiar?). Right now a big question in my mind is whether to pursue anonymous DE or take up my sister on her generous offer and go with the genetic connection. But I could sure use some insight/advice. I need to get the most bang for my buck, as I can't imagine paying for more than one attempt as I'm already in serious debt, and the anon vs known DE issue is so clouded in my mind with a mix of practical and emotional concerns. Here's a quick overview as I see it, though of course it becomes quite complicated when I really start to think it over:
Pros to going with sister: genetic connection (we look very much alike, are both reasonably smart, come from an artistic family), known medical history, maybe a little less money (though probably not a lot) for a cycle, I trust her to do meds correctly. She has a 2 yo and 4 yo, both relatively easily conceived with clomid (she's familiar with the morning clinic routine).
Cons of going with sister: she's 36 in Dec, has PCOS (thus the clomid; I seem to remember that one of her ovaries is quite small and/or non-functional). Our family medical history includes cancer on both sides, and both my sisters have one kid at the relatively high-functioning end of the autism spectrum. Logistics might be tricky, as it'd be less expensive to cycle near my home, but I can't really see taking her away from her family for a week. Then we get to the ickier stuff, but things I can't ignore: I grew up competing with my sisters (thanks a bunch, mom and dad), and I'm not sure if I can handle the emotional aspects of jealousy, etc. if I were to be so lucky as to be successful with her eggs. I know this sounds petty, but I spend most of my days in a dark place, full of self-loathing for being so "broken." I'm afraid that I might always regard any child from DE as not mine, that I'm still irreparably damaged. But it might be easier for me to move on if I didn't know the genetic mother, if that makes any sense.
Pros of going anon: can find a proven, younger donor. Logistically easier. Might be easier to get over emotional hurdles if I'm not constantly reminded of the genetic source material.
Cons of going anon: loss of genetic connection and sense of family history, very good possibility that any offspring will not resemble DH or me. Possibly a bit more money for a cycle. Some worry that a first-time donor (if we went that way) could mess up meds/appointments somehow.
My DH doesn't really want to talk about it, and doesn't seem to have a strong preference (he just wants me to be happy). He does seem to think of genetics as something that we as individuals don't "own," but rather that we "borrow" them from our parents. In his view of things, that's akin to "my eggs are your eggs" between sisters. I'm not sure I buy this.
So, I guess I need some input from those of you who've also walked this path, and can take on the role of RE and psychologist! My head knows that going with a woman in her 20s has a better likelihood of success, but we all know those statistics don't matter if you happen to fall on the wrong side of things (e.g., a 21 yo can, now and then, have crappy eggs just as often as a 36 yo can produce wonderful eggs).
This is getting pretty long-winded; thanks for sticking with me so far. Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks very much!