Hi everyone,
I've been reading your posts here for a while, and they were such a source of help to me leading up to my s/r. I was pregnant with twins, and knew from the moment I found out about them that I couldn't handle it--carrying them, raising them...it was all so overwhelming. My husband supported my decision completely, and the only other person we told was my mother. And really, when we went in for the procedure, I was at peace with the decision. We did a CVS, determined one baby was normal, and planned to reduce the other.
Because of scheduling and other issues, a different doctor did the s/r from the one who did the CVS. When we got into the office for the procedure, the sonographer doing the u/s looked at me and said "We're reducing the one on the right, yes?" I really thought that was wrong--they had put the needle in on the right for the CVS--and I said, "Wait, no, I don't think so...But don't you know by my chart?" Then, she got huffy with me and honestly, I don't remember what she said next because I got so upset. Then, the doctor came into the room and I told him that i was concerned because I thought the CVS was done on the one on the right and he said, "Well, I can't explain that. We're reading the scans." He was really defensive about it. My husband asked if maybe he meant the fetus on the right on the screen vs. on my right, and that just made the doctor get more defensive and even threatening. He was like, "Y'know, we don't have to do this right now if you don't think we're doing our jobs correctly." At no point, did he take us seriously or reassure me in a calm way. It was awful.
But, we went ahead and let him do the procedure because like he said, he was the doctor and it's his job to know what's what. I was already lying on the table with my stomach exposed. We both wanted it to all be over so we could finally get excited about this pregnancy. I thought maybe my mind was just playing tricks on me about whether it was the right or the left and figured there was no way I could know more than the professionals in the room.
Afterwards, the genetic counselor had told us we could find out the gender if wanted and so we did. The doctor said, "It was, I mean is, a female."
I went home and rested as they instructed me to, but couldn't shake the feeling that something went wrong. So, after a couple of days, I called the genetic counselor, told her what happened and asked her to check that they didn't make a mistake. She told me that they do this all the time and it's highly unlikely they did. A week went by, and I didn't hear anything. So, I called again. Ten days after my procedure, the doctor who did my CVS called me personally to tell me--they did make a mistake. After I'd gone through all of this, they reduced my healthy baby girl.
I'm sorry this became so long. I haven't been able to tell the story to anyone from start to finish and the only people I can even talk to are my husband and mother (both of whom have been amazing). But now I can't move on. I was okay with doing this when I didn't know anything about the fetus I was reducing. But now, I had 10 days to sit with the idea of "her." And now, even though I traveled to have a CVS and missed work for all of this, I don't know if the baby I'm having is going to be okay. I know that's what anyone else at this stage in a pregnancy would be feeling (I'm 14 weeks), but I just feel like after all of this...it's all so hard to take.
Did any of you grieve after your s/r? I didn't expect to need to ask this, but do you have any advice about how to move on? Right now, I just feel so awful. I alternate between feeling sad about the daughter I would have had, to feeling so angry and betrayed by the doctors, to--at my worst moments--blaming myself for letting that monster do the procedure when I had an instinct telling me it was wrong.
Thank you all so much for listening.
tasnimerob