I did something stupid - I talked about the fight club. To someone not in fight club. And of course got a really hurtful thoughtless cruel remark in return.
then I did something maybe more stupid. Or maybe not. I dunno.
I was mentioning to a coworker that I'm very friendly with that I "sometimes" post on an internet board for infertile women. She's almost my age, married, does not plan on having children (so she says), feminist (i.e., respecting of other women's choices), we've had a few conversations about IF in the past so I thought she was at least a little empathetic. As far as I know she is "childfree by choice" but she's never volunteered details and I've never thought it was my place to ask for details. So anyway, I mention that I've been enjoying posting on this board and having conversations with other women, etc., we joke about "clueless fertiles" and so on. Coworker says, wow, I think that's sort of offensive, I don't like being called a clueless infertile. ** note below, she said "clueless fertile" ** I started to say "but how do you know" (if you've never tried) but then she adds something about dried up barren infertiles. So anyway, I tried to play it off and move the conversation onward, like the militant childfree people say stuff about "fertiles" and breeders, and even though I'm not a militant zero population person I think some of it can be pretty funny. And of course we can agree on respecting choices (which she of course agreed). But damn, I was ****** off by the dried up barren thing! And my second thought was god she's probably pregnant.
Anyway, I was almost in tears as I left work and I'm tired of just shutting up. So I wrote this and sent it to her - It's very "Minnesota nice"* (so very very Minnesotan of me) but um, I think she'll get it (I'm not originally from Minnesota).
Coworker-
I really value our friendly relationship and wouldn't like to have any uncomfortableness come in the way of that. I thought I could play this off (as I tried to do during the conversation) but I still left work nearly in tears with all sorts of explanations and technicalities playing over and over in my head. Your remark about "dried up" and "barren" infertiles really stung. Perhaps intentionally, perhaps not. When I said, but how do you know? regarding the "clueless fertiles" I was thinking of the fact that I too was once a "clueless fertile" - I expected to have no problems getting pregnant when I wanted to, I'd had my share of close calls and oopses, and certainly on a technical level I was clueless (as I made stupid remarks to friends who had undergone treatments) and I was fertile (since my dx was structural,i.e., technically, I'm "sterile" not infertile). The full question was meant to be 'but how do you know unless you've tried?' but that was certainly too personal and none of my business to ask the entire question. And it was certainly a misjudgement on my part to discuss insider humor with someone not on the inside of a club that no one wants to belong to. Finally, I think both of us would agree that we'd prefer that society not perpetuate the idea that women without children are dried up, barren, selfish, or any of the other stereotypes that exist.
*For those of you not familiar with Minnesota nice, it's that most Minnesotans really and truly believe they are Nice to other People. But truly, they are polite and nice to your face but vicious behind your back. total passive-aggressive land. Eternity is four Minnesota drivers at a four-way stop sign: "you go first." "no, no, you first" "no, go on" "no, yooooou go first" (etc) (all the while swearing "stupid bastard" under their breath)
edited to add: Oh sweet jeebus, she said "Coworker says, wow, I think that's sort of offensive, I don't like being called a clueless FERTILE."
gah.