i haven't even had my cvs yet and i'm already feeling guilty. i KNOW we cannot have twins, in every way shape, or form, and i know my body would never hold them in for long enough, after two previous losses, so if i went ahead and lost twins, i'd feel so horribly guilty for the rest of my life that i did not have the reduction, and none of us have a crystal ball to see into the future to know, if the choice made was right or wrong, we just have to do it, and hope we made the right call, but now that i've seen my babies and heard their HB'S cause of a medical error, where i thought one was gone, was told it was gone, so why should i have feared an u/s at that point? i didn't, and was SHOCKED, too shocked to turn away, now i know the visions and sounds are gonna haunt me.
how do i get passed the guilt, w/o knowing what the outcome would have been health wise, for me and the babies? can you sort of trick yourself into believing the worst was most likely and that can get you through, cause i can't imagine, i'll be able to block it out of my mind, and push it away, like i used to be able to do with things, it's just too big and emotional for that.
i fear having nightmares and everytime i see twins cracking up on the inside if not on the outside, for the rest of my life, so how do you get passed all of that? how do you learn to not feel guilty, and know you did the best you can for the child(ren) that you are blessed to have NOW?? will i always wonder about him or her? i think it would have been by far easier w/o seeing them both, and not knowing, which will be my future child, it's heart wrentching. i haven't bonded AT ALL, and for someone like me, that is pretty unfathomable, as usually from the 1st moment on, i'm ecstatic while pregnant.
then if i do the SR, and i lose both babies, i'd never forgive myself for that eigether. i sure do hope the rates of loss are super low, because i don't wanna have to face a total loss on top of this. i cannot begin to fathom that after all i've already been through, with losing children. that is quite rare though right? does anyone know the statistics for loss w/ dr stone for the CVS and the reduction?
anyhow, there are just so many unknowns, that i just hope i can forgive myself, and move on, the way i was sure, more sure i could have, weeks ago, before the babies were really KNOWN to me, and more real, as they are now. if i went with my heart and not my head, and had both babies, like i said if i lost both down the line, i would litterally DIE, and if one was impaired after having a severely handicapped son, i would die with the guilt of that. i feel guilty as i wanted him so badly and in looking back and abortion would have spared him a life of misery, but how could i have known? i still think about that every day, like an abortion would have been kinder, but i wanted my baby, i'm not a fortune teller. i KNOW that logically but emotionally it's hard, and i'd just die if i brought another child into the world with disabilities, because of my decision to move forward.
plus if the marriage crumbles because of it, where does that leave the emotional health of my children. and if there isn't enough monet to go around for them, how would i be doing right by anybody? i know love is more important then money, but i don't even know how i could possibly stretch my love that far.
i'm just increasingly scared over this whole process. i'm scared of the physical pain, but the emotional pain, will my mind forever torture me because of this, has me absolutely reeling, and fearful. i remember losing a twin early with dd, and it simply vanished. i was relieved, no way we were looking to have twins, felt like we truly dodged a bullett there, but we did take greater risks that time by far, it could have been even worse, but still for 4 yrs i had looked at twins, with some bittersweet emotions. i know we would not have ttced again if we had had two to start, and maybe that would have been better, she would have had that built in friend for life, and sibling, that is why we decided to try for 1 more, our hands are quite full, as i always joke, she just would NOT share the space with her twin. she is truly like having triplets in one child. i said that yesterday as a matter of fact, she is quite the little spitfire.
how did you just KNOW, your decision was right, and how do you find peace with it, and find a way to live with yourself w/o guilt, or if you do have guilt, how do you manage it?
sure when you look at little twin outfits, double strollers, two of everything, it all sounds very cute and precious, but it's all a fanasty world. the reality will be chaos, possibly medical problems, marital problems, money problems, sanity problems, i just can't envision a happy outcome, i envision me losing myself, and dissapearing from the universe, and feeling completely lonely, eventhough not alone, if that makes any sense.
my husband isn't adding input so i feel the weight of this all, on my own two shoulders. it's a difficult cross to bare, so i appreciate your reading and replying.