gio.lob on "Just need to vent- long!! (mc, pg & child loss mentioned)"

Honestly I don’t know where to begin!!!

Current situation-1st IVF- 10dp2dt- I have tested almost everyday this week first mistake but I just could control myself... All BFN! So, I know deep in my heart that the 1st time is not the charm for me. I'm "ok" with the BFN but I just want to know WHEN CAN I HAVE A RIDE???? I feel like I have paid my dues and Please SOMEONE let me on!!

Tomorrow is my dd-angel's birthday she would have been 15 years old. WOW Hard to think. I got pg young- 20. She was the total surprise child even on BCP. But some angels are just too precious to stay. She passed away at 15 months after multiple heart surgeries (AV canal). I don’t mind talking about her, I just miss her so much that it hurts! Some years its really hard then some aren’t too bad.

So what have I been doing with myself for the past 15 years? After her birth I vowed I would give her the best life I could so school became my top mission. Especially after her passing. So I started school and in 2003 graduated and started TTC. And so began the journey.

I was A-type personality- "Got pg on BCP this should be a piece of cake" HA 3 chemicals, 2 mc, 2 ectopics later... I started a new chapter in my novel! In the between time I got divorced(- I rationalized the 3 chemicals by saying it was not meant to be because the ex was a total jerk!!!). But, I was lucky to find my wonderful DH, my soul-mate!! But we went on to have the 2 mc and 2 ectopics.

I have done everything under the sun to figure out what I have done soo bad in my life that I can't have a child and I still don’t understand. I know there is a reason for everything and all good things come to those that wait but come on give me a break!!!

I'm so sorry this is so long! Thanks for letting me vent! Beta is not until Saturday, so I am still hopeful...

Thanks again,
Lisa