*Pregnancy, kids, accidental death, stillbirth, m/c, d&c, hair loss and dating all mentioned - I hope I covered it all*
It's been a bad week or so for me. So many little things adding up and I think I'm finally realizing the weight of them all. In no particular order:
Stayed with my best friend in Boston when I was up for work - and her two kids. When I walked in I thought to myself "what the f am I doing here?" It got better after the first day - I stay with them regularly, so I wasn't expecting it to hurt this time.
Saw a close friend I haven't seen since before my son died last year. She had her her baby a few weeks before he was due. She also experienced a horrible loss last year when she was 16 weeks pregnant - her only sister (only sibling) died in an apartment fire. They had been very close. We had dinner and talked a lot about where we both were in our grieving. It was actually a very cathartic discussion for both of us, I think.
Had dinner with another friend who I last saw when I was 25 weeks pregnant - she's an OB up in Vermont, and we almost did an U/S on me for fun that weekend. I still wonder (as does she) if we had done it, would we have caught the problem, would it have made a difference, could someone have saved his life? Probably not, but it still hurts. And by the way, she's now 22 weeks pregnant. I mostly ignored that fact because she was sitting during dinner and thankfully, she sure as hell didn't discuss it.
Felt alone on valentine's day (except for the obligatory card from my mother). It's a dumb *ss holiday, but it does serve to rub it in that I'm alone and have been alone for far too many years now (not to mention that's the main reason why I didn't even try to get pregnant until I was almost 40 and realized that I could do it on my own - stupid me). And that I'm not likely to have a relationship for a while, because honestly I don't have the energy. I already shop for enough things online, I can't add one more item to the list. If someone wants to send a nice guy my way, fine, but I just can't start looking. Doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt, though. (really, if you have a super nice guy out there, don't keep him under wraps - send him my way. I will attempt to toss of my "little miss morose" self and be a sparkling date. Really!)
I'm teetering on the brink of selecting an egg donor and clinic, but just feeling sad sad sad about not ever trying again with my OE. I have one vial of donor sperm left from my son's IVF - I could do an IUI if I want. It would be pointless, since the chances of me getting pregnant are so small - but I'm terrified that if I did get pregnant, I'd go through yet another round of seeing the hb, then miscarriage and d&c. Or worse. So I won't do the IUI. But I can't seem to let go of that one vial - I've found people on the DSR who are looking for vials from that donor, but I haven't emailed them yet. It feels like this great big weight on me, but I just can't seem to push it off. My. eggs. are. done. finished. kaput. I just want to move on from that, but keeping the vial keeps me in this limbo.
Drying my hair this morning and I still have hair falling out. Yes, from my failed pregnancy, I still get the joy of its aftermath 6 months later. The hair loss is slowing down and I can see some starting to grow back, but it is really thin still. Probably a good thing that I'm not trying to date right now. 
I haven't cried much since my last m/c in January. And I thought that was a sign that I was starting to pull out of the greatest depths of my grief from last year. But I feel like it is starting to roll back in and I don't think I can take it. I sobbed on the phone with one of my sisters today.
I guess this past week was just an accumulation of cuts that opened my wounds back up again. And since it is so hard to share with anyone else, I just needed to share it with you all.