Hi All,
After thinking about my infertility struggles for years now, I've decided to post on this board, mostly to state how I have felt for close to 5 years now. I am also posting here because I know most of you can relate to this journey that we've taken; some have been successful and other like myself, have not been successful to date.
Background
DH and I met in 2003 and got married 2004. Prior to marriage, he knew about my endometriosis, at that time, it was not an issue. We would proceed right to IVF after marriage. And so we did, in 2004, I had surgery, a myomectomy to remove fibroids and clean up the endo. We did our first IVF which was a BFN. O.K. so we moved on. Second IVF was scheduled. My RE states that another fibroid was seen and it needed to be removed. So I was scheduled for a hysteroscopy to remove the fibroid. Second IVF was not good for me. I almost lost my life. My RE was not honest about a lot of things, it hid information from me. I started to feel severe abdominal pain after the retrieval and ended up in the hospital on massive doses of pain meds. I stayed in the hospital for 5 days then was released home. I was still in pain. I tried to see my RE but could not get an appointment despite me being in pain. His office stated each time I called, that he is over book. During this time, I had lost about 15 lbs in about 2 weeks. I was unable to go to the washroom for close to 2 weeks and upon visiting my family doctor, she referred to a GI specialist. This GI specialist was great. He ordered CT scans and various tests on me. He then told me that things did not look good and he referred me to a top specialist. At this time, I was told it might be cancer. I had several CT's, MRI's where they noted an abdominal mass which no one seemed to know what it was. Anyway, to make a long story short, in the end, it was proven not to be cancer. Thank God.
I finally got an appointment with my RE. He did some testing on me and decided that I needed surgery to remove the mass. I waited 7 mos for that surgery (I'm in Canada and wait times are crazy). At this time I was off from work. Eventually I did have surgery. The mass was removed and also abcesses. The only reason I even found out about the abcesses was the fact that my DH insisted my RE tells me what he saw "inside". I spoke to my DH and told him that I don't think we should cycle with this RE anymore. DH said since we have 4 embies on ice, we should cycle with him one more time. And so we did, became pregnant on a FET April 2007. Major problems with the clinic, nurses quitting, couldn't get appropriate followup and in the end I MC at 3mos. Couldn't get RE to do D/C, eventually I ended up at the hospital and had a D/C performed by another doc. We decided not to go back to this RE. When I called for a copy of my chart for another clinic, I was treated very cold and they never returned my phonecalls. O.K. I moved on.
Now I'm at a new clinic. Totally different, competent physician. I found out that my former RE had hyperstimulated me and he caused problems during my second IVF retrieval. This RE states that it's best for me to have no more surgeries. I also found out that my former RE was not the best surgeon, but that's another story.
With all that I've been through, DH still wants me to continue with IVF treatments. I'm at a point that I've been through so much, although I know there are others who have been through more that myself. I'm the one with the problem in this relationship, DH has no problems. He insists that he wants 3 biological children. I've tried one Fresh cycle July 2008 and got a BFN on my birthday. Now he wants me to keep trying and trying and trying. I feel that my body has had enough. I've done everything, organic eating, surgeries, accupuncture etc. and all I had is one m/c in 4 years. I want to adopt, he doesn't. I feel that I want to move on from this relationship. It has been stressful and depressing. Most times I feel like DH and I are roommates. We hardly communicate. The only person I have to talk to about this is my mother. Everyone else I know has kids. I feel that I have accepted my infertility and it's time to move on. I am comfortable with adopting. I am at a cross road right now where I feel it's better for me to divorce DH so that I can find my own happiness. I also feel that I am willing to "set DH free" so that he can find his own happiness in a new fertile spouse that can give him his 3 children. I spoke to him about this on several occasions, he doesn't seem to want to take me serious, but I feel I need to move on in order to find some peace of mind.
Thanks for listening