i never thought i'd feel any sense of dissapointment seeing beautiful hearts beating, but i really yesterday, just really, really, really, praying hard, that God would have saved me from the SR decision, and i'd have one vanishing twin, where i did not have to see the heart beating, and the sac was just empty best yet for my mind, but it appears not. both are same size, have a baby and a heartbeat. most women would be over the moon, but now it just confirms that i am one step closer to this becoming a reality, and i'm quite scared. i didn't think God would do this, however i didn't think he'd allow anything that has happened to me in my life to happen.
i just prayed for one beautiful, healthy bean with all of my heart and soul. it's sooo wacked, you pray to be pregnant, you pray to be healthy, to see a heart beating, to get that big fat positive, after waiting so long, and then you can't even fully enjoy it, because you know, one is all you could have and now you are in a position you never imagined in your worst fears. sure you knew it COULD HAPPPEN, but what are the chances if the dr says only 1 good egg? thought i was playing it safe, and now this.
i wanna be happy and enjoy this, but i guess i have almost 2 mo before that will happen. it isn't fair, my last pregnancy and i feel completely robbed out of the joy already, this was always my happiest time, and it's shattered.
sorry to rant. this board doesn't get much action, i understand why, likely not a huge amount of people in this boat. sad thing is, me and dh had talked about this. actually he talked about it, and i said ok, yeah, cause i knew i'd be safe and it wouldn't happen, but i won't lie i read up IN CASE, even a couple yrs ago, but i didn't think i'd end up here.
well, he was the one pushing, and has dettached from me, since the twins were confirmed. now suddenly yesterday he says, welp i guess i'll have a couple more mouths to feed around here, and a couple more to carry, and pulled up his arms as if he was carrying babies.
WHAT THE BEEP? i said, singular, singular, not mouths, because i can't even go there and he said 'it'd be ok'...no it wouldn't i KNOW, we'd fail, if just one has already strained us alot. my dd is so needy she is jealous if i go near another child or baby. she is my world, deciding to share her with one, was impossibly hard enough, but i wanted a sibling for HER, not two more, for best friends, and siblings with one another, that defeats the purpose. not to mention, we don't have the money for more, i likely don't have the ability to carry more. the risks would never let me just relax, and if God forbid something happened to both babies, i'd be blaming myself for life and would have nothing then..not even 1.
if my husband wants to carry them, and get 3 more jobs, and not work nights so i'd have help with three at night, my toddler still gets up multiple times and hasn't napped since 10 mo old. if he can get up and do everything, and even then, we would have NO US anymore. i just know some people can handle anything, but we are not one of those couples, not anymore.
i forsee lots of trials and tribulations ahead. i'll continue to pray that nature does it so i don't have to deal with this all, but i must say if i did not find this board to read all the stories of encouragement, i'd be lost, and completely just NUTS right now, so i thank you for that. now i gotto worry that dh, is going to buck me on something he was most gung-ho for, could the situation possibly get any worse? how do i do it without any spousal support?
anybody have a husband that was thinking he somehow could make it work, but you knew his head was completely in the clouds? i mean our dog woke him the other night and he got frustrated, and goes 'ugh, i need to sleep' really lous and angrilly, i was like woah..how can he think he could do this?
he\'s living in a fantasy right now.
thanks for he support, if anyone has any words of wisdom, feel free to shout them out Image may be NSFW.
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i could use it right now.
shelly
