hello everyone:
i have thought very long and hard about posting here, and then finally decided to go ahead and give it a try, because i feel so dam* lonely. i've lurked here for a long time and have always respected and related to you ladies and benefited from your posts. i didn't think i was ready to post back then, because although arguably i fit the technical definition of vet in the sticky ("an IVF Veteran shall be defined as someone who has had multiple failed IVF/infertility cycles and/or losses and no longer finds the positive thoughts of the other IVF boards helpful") i hadn't been through any where near as much as most of you have.
but now...well...i guess i'll find out if anyone objects to me being here. on january 3 of this year i lost my b/g twins at 19 weeks. the entire pregnancy was stressful, because i was terrified of something going wrong (i had had a miscarriage before). i picked out who i thought was one of the best high risk mfms in the city, i had frequent appointments, i got a second opinion, i turned up at the hospital every time i thought something was wrong. but none of it worked. according to my doctor, there was nothing that could be done. and even now we don't know what happened. i was in labor 14 hours...and the absolute worst thing, the thing that still reduces me to sobs when i think about it, is that i could feel my little angels kicking in me almost right until the very end. they were most likely perfect--it was my body that failed, as it has failed for years now in different ways. i am so broken, devastated, and empty.
i know the rules of this board, and i would never intentionally post anything that would be hurtful to anyone on here. i just would love to have a place to belong where people get what years of infertility plus late miscarriage can do to a person.
Sara