WARN: DEATH/FUNERAL MENTIONED, PREGNANCY MENTIONED, CHILD CUSTODY MENTIONED/l0SER FAMILY MENTIONED
Ok, so for anyone reading who doesn't know already, my grandmother (dad's mom) died on Friday morning. I am taking it pretty hard. So is my 8yo DS. She struggled for a long time with severe illness, finally was put on hospice care, and passed away peacefully. She lived 84 good yeras, had 9 loving grandchildren and 7 loving great-grandchildren. It doesn't make the loss any easier.
I am 26w pregnant. I am super-emotional and hormonal, and I acknowledge that. But here's what happened...
So I called my mother tonight (First words out of her mouth when she answered wasn't "hello" they were "What do you want, I'm busy right now.")
What I wanted was to discuss the funeral/visitation/ and the fact that my DS doesn't want to go, and she totally blew up at me.
First, she said DS is going no.matter.what. It is the respectful thing to do, there is no reason why he shouldn't go. She doesn't care how my cousin raises her kids (she's not taking hers) but I WILL bring DS. No arguments. End.of.discussion. (Personally, I'm torn. I do want DS to go, but I think forcing him to go is a bad plan. FWIW she is cremated... so there will be no body to "traumatize" him"- but like 40 or so crying adults isn't traumatizing enough for an 8yo barely grasping the concept of death??)
Then, when I tell her my 2yo DD is not going (that I have a friend watching her) and I ask her if my 3yo nephew will be going?? She starts in about she doesn't know... it's his dad's week to have him (his dad is my bro) and he probably will because my bro will be there. And then she goes on about how there is a big difference between 2yo and 3yo and 8yo when it comes to understanding death. WTF??? I know that, I was simply asking to see if DS would have someone young around to play with if he got bored (since my cousin's kids WON'T be there and he's the only other kid in the family).
I start to tell her that I will go to the visitation at 6 (when it starts) and my DH will bring the kids a little later and for a short while and then leave with them when they start to get bored and she inturrupts me... she starts telling me about how "she is busy" working on a slideshow of photos of my grandma for the visitation and she "doesn't have time to have 20 mundane things said to her" and "what else do I want???" So I said "Nothing that's it" and hung up. And then I burst into tears. And then I took a Xanax. She called back (I didn't answer because I was crying and didn't want her to know how badly she hurt my feelings) and she left me the nastiest voicemail I have ever received in my life... about how she doesn't need my attitude and I need to stop acting like such a bitch and she pays my cellphone bill so technically it's HER cellphone whether I like it or not.
I know she's stressed, and it's tough because my grandmother was living with them for part of the time when she was sick and her care fell onto my mom, but what pisses.me.off is the fact that she was watching my nephew overnight tonight (I could HEAR HIM in the background, plus yesterday she told me my bro picked up a shift tonight so he could be off Mon/Tues for the services).
So here's what I feel like: WTF do you want?? I'm too busy taking care of your brother's kid OVERNIGHT to have a 10 minute phone conversation with you about the funeral. Gee, thanks, mom, for making me feel like TOTAL SHIT.
To elaborate a little, this already is a touchy subject with us because my brother only has half custody of his kid (every other week) and works 12 hours shifts 4 of the 7 days he has his DS so my mom keeps him overnights 5 of those days (because he has to be at work at 5am so the DS spends the night so he doesn't have to get him up at 4am to come over). So basically, on his custody weeks, my bro comes to my moms house to "visit" his kid for a few hours after he gets home from work before his DS goes to bed. Not to mention for A YEAR after his divorce he lived with my parents (rent free) and hardly ever watched his own kid, it always fell on my mom. Plus my mom paid for his divorce (several thousand dollars- he is supposed to pay back but she hasn't seen a dime yet 2 years later- meanwhile I catch shit for borrowing $400 for a cable bill which I paid back within 6 months)
I am getting pretty tired of the "I'll have N that day" comments when I ask her to watch my kids... yes my mom helps us out too by watching my kids when I go to the doctor (which can be quite often) but WTF she ALWAYS has N on my bro's weeks. ALWAYS. It's getting pretty old for me. (She watches them all) And God forbid I say anything about it. Truth be told, I think my bro is a lousy father. So my mom picks up the slack, and constantly makes excuses for my bro. I'm getting pretty tired of it. She argues that she watches my kids too... but if you add up the man-hours, even if you combine what she has watched of BOTH of my kids, together AND separate, over the last 8 years, you will STILL not even COME CLOSE to the amount of time she's spent taking care of N in 3 years. I guarantee it. But she claims its about equal. NO FERKING WAY.
So I guess I'm upset about 3 things. First, the way she talked to/treated me on the phone when I was trying to have a simple conversation with her about what would be going on over the next few days. Second, the nasty voicemail she left me. Third, about the fact that taking care of N has always been priority #1, no matter what else is going on. Tell my bro to man up and be a real father, already.
As you can see, it's 5am and I am still dwelling on this. Even after a Xanax.
I acknowlede I am emotional, she is emotional, and everyone is under a lot of stress. But does that give her the right to totally attack me for a simple phone call?
And just to put the icing on the cake of my day... today was my 12 year wedding anniversary. Happy anniversary to me. I was so upset, I coudn't even talk to DH about it.
If you've made it this far, thank you.
God Bless~
Brandi