PG mentioned
I have started a new thread because I did not want to hijack Sunshines thread but reading the responses to her thread raised so many questions and feelings in me that I want to share with people who have been there and experienced the trauma of a second trimester loss. The one burning question is did I love them enough?
Prior to the twins I had been trying for 8 years and had 5 previous first trimester losses. I moved to a new clinic and the new tests and treatment protocols changed everything for me. However based on my history and past experience, I was still not ready to believe that this could be it, that it could actually work and I could have a live baby from this. Each week when we went for our ultra sound I fully expected the babies to be dead.
I was very surprised to have made it to 12 weeks and the babies were doing so well. Despite that milestone as the weeks progressed I still did not relax, I did not bond with them, I was too scared of getting my heart broken again, I was too scared to believe. I loved them and I could not wait to meet them I wished my pregnancy would pass quickly so they could be born but I did not bond with them as a pregnant woman should bond with her baby/babies. When I lost them I felt an incredible sense of guilt that I had distanced myself from them to protect my own heart.
That did not help anyways because I think my pain is probably even greater than if I had bonded with them because the pain, hurt and anger was compounded but my incredible sense of guilt that I attracted something negative to them because of my negative thoughts. I felt that maybe they sensed/thought that I did not want them. It still bothers me so much. I hope they knew how much I loved and wanted them